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rosiemay05
03-19-2006, 18:16:42
Seeing as i love to laugh (it really is the best medicine!), i thought we could use a joke section on Gamershood. So please post anything you think will make everyone laugh! :goss: :hah: Whether it's a rude joke, knock knock, anything! :P
Ok i got one....

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he says to her:
'Just so you know , I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug.'
His wife nods understandingly , then promptly gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

OneBun
03-23-2006, 19:08:59
Here are a couple of things to say and do to freak out the person in the stall next to you in a public rest room:

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
19. Blast a loud one and say with a Stevie Erkle voice, "Did I do that?"
20. "OMG! Now I'm stuck!"
Lol... hope ya enjoyed my sick humor!
:wink:
____________________
:wcj:

rosiemay05,
Thanx for starting a great thread!
You're sick babe. (jk) But I guess I should'nt talk! I am just as bad! lol! :wink:

rosiemay05
03-23-2006, 20:07:48
that was great onebun, particularly like 3, 6, 9, 16, and defineltly 18 lmao

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?".
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

yes u r just as bad hunny bunny if not worse lol :wink:

Jellybean
03-23-2006, 20:28:41
CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch hiney should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

OneBun
03-23-2006, 20:43:44
Jellybean you crack me up!

CHINESE PROVERBS...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch hiney should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*...

I heard this one a little different before...it goes:

He who go to sleep w/ itchy hiney wake up with stinky finger!

lol... just as bad huh! :haha:

rosiemay05
03-23-2006, 21:28:20
lol i like the last one with the midget lol

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

i love how kids are so honest about things lol

marcoo
03-23-2006, 23:45:20
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois." :smile:

OneBun
03-24-2006, 20:44:48
Bill Gates dies and finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in most homes around the world, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

omfg
03-24-2006, 21:10:22
Bill Gates dies and finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in most homes around the world, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

LOL!!!!!!! HAHA, Poor Bill :D:D:D:D:D:D

rosiemay05
03-25-2006, 23:26:35
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Honey, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here. :evil:

OneBun
03-27-2006, 05:21:43
This one is hanging on my wall at work:

:mob: "Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear." :crazy:

Cyber Girl
03-27-2006, 09:47:52
I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles. One was
already occupied so I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my
trousers and sat down.

Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me:

"Hello mate, how you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
"Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again
"So, what you up to mate?"
Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I
replied
"Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time .....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some <<deleted>> in the
loo next to me answering everything I say."

rosiemay05
03-27-2006, 19:51:27
lol psychology humour very funny,
cyber girl i heard yours before but it never fails to make me laugh because it can happen to anyone of us lol, although i avoid using the phone when im on the loo lol

Cyber Girl
03-28-2006, 10:33:52
>which Would U Choose? Cake Or Bed?????
>
>a Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
>"honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For
>weeks Now"
>
>he Looks At Her And Says Angrily;
>
>"fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed
>on My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"
>
>the Wife Asks,
>
>"well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right."
>
>to Which He Replied,
>
>"fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My
>forehead? I Don't Think So."
>
>fine, She Says,
>
>"then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door, They're About To
>break."
>
>"i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps", He Says.
>"does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think
>so. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! "
>
>so He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel
>guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out.
>as He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He
>enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A
>beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
>"honey", He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?"
>
>she Said,
>
>"well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man
>asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs,
>and All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."
>
>he Said,
>
>"so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?"
>
>she Replied,
>
>"hellooooo.......do You See Delia Smith Written On My Forehead? I Don't
>think So!"

rosiemay05
03-28-2006, 21:43:29
good one lol

OneBun
03-29-2006, 08:45:45
:sad: A cure for depression. At least it cures me of having a bad day when I watch this one! :crazy:
http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/wedgemaster_anim
Okay, I know I'm on a Psychology run with the jokes here... I can't help it! It's my life!

Cyber Girl
03-29-2006, 14:43:18
hahahaha that was so funny onebun im laughing so much im gona fall of my chair, ouch to late hahahha.

I'm Tired.Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on middle age , poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But I found out it ain't that.

I'm tired because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 51 million.

21 million are retired,

that leaves 30 million to do the work.

There are 19 million at school,

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government,

That leaves 5 million to do the work.

1 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

3 million are employed by the County and Borough Councils leaving 1 million to do the work.

There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in the prisons,

Which leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and me .

And you're sitting on your arse reading this,

No wonder I'm bloody tired.

Jellybean
03-29-2006, 19:46:11
Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

now ....

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Eternal Becky
03-30-2006, 20:22:35
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Jellybean
03-30-2006, 20:28:06
lmao! good one, so true.

GamersHood
03-30-2006, 20:38:58
lol, where's #9 :hah:

rosiemay05
03-30-2006, 21:12:12
i actually did number 14!!! lmao, these jokes are great guys, thnx,

not a joke just a funny clip
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=16683y clip

Jellybean
03-31-2006, 21:04:41
Man of the House:
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his
wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you
to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath , guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess"!
==============================================
>> GOOD
>>
>> Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
>> wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the proble! m - a 12-year-old boy
>> was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR
>> TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an
>> accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading
>> "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
>>
>>
>> BETTER
>>
>> A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
>> radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
>> cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
>> responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>>
>>
>> BEST
>>
>> A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper
>> walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I
>> bet you are going to sell! me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. "He
>> replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment
>> of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
>> left.

OneBun
03-31-2006, 23:43:12
Your "good, better, best" was really good. They gave me a good laugh! lol Thanx! :haha:

Cyber Girl
04-01-2006, 10:12:52
hahahah good one jellybean i especiall liked the man of the house one

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with
so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them
away.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with
that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband
phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you
know, mine came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing" said
the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From
all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

Eternal Becky
04-01-2006, 19:05:53
Don't ever cheat because the government hates competition.

OneBun
04-02-2006, 16:17:46
Don't ever cheat because the government hates competition.

lol! That's the truth... especially in America!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Jellybean
04-04-2006, 20:48:12
rosiemay, i like your avatar's stars. i just got a tattoo with stars like that with a lion head a couple of cherry blossoms

rosiemay05
04-04-2006, 21:09:50
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."

oh cool jellybean, i got a rose bud on back of my shoulder for my b'day last year, i want to get a nice butterfly on my lower back, but cant seem to find a really nice one, might find one for my b'day this year! lol

Jellybean
04-04-2006, 21:37:08
oh cool jellybean, i got a rose bud on back of my shoulder for my b'day last year, i want to get a nice butterfly on my lower back, but cant seem to find a really nice one, might find one for my b'day this year! lol
you should try and look for designs on the internet, there's some good artwork at http://www.deviantart.com/ i don't really like to copy other peoples work so i find a picture i really like and draw something similar to it. i've got 13 tattoos and searching to find another one, a nice looking buffalo/bison with yellow clouds; to honor my husband.

OneBun
04-05-2006, 04:39:08
you should try and look for designs on the internet, there's some good artwork at http://www.deviantart.com/...

Jellybean--That's one of my fave webpages! Really cool! I gives great sneak-peek previews from game makers...before they finish their games for release too!

This is a cute comic I got from a friend today... thought you all might enjoy it too!

Chris-ov-Donny
04-06-2006, 19:31:09
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
===========================================
this 1 isnt really tht gud .. but neither are any of the others i submit.

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.
The Judge thunders back "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
===========================================
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

marcoo
04-07-2006, 03:47:33
this is funny!

http://www.pilarteens.com.ar/humor/imagenes/gaficos/aparatosmultiuso.gif

lol

http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/conts/futboldelapiedra.jpg

marcoo
04-07-2006, 04:00:57
http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/uploads/cg_7652a.JPG

marcoo
04-07-2006, 04:14:18
http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/uploads/cg_7922a.JPG

http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/uploads/cg_2468a.JPG

http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/conts/c10.jpg

http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/conts/a05.jpg

Hot Dog:
http://imagenes.lopeor.com/cg/conts/1718.JPG

Jellybean
04-07-2006, 14:20:44
>>> A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
>>>
>>> His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
>>> for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
>>> The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
>>> opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
>>> Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Jellybean
04-07-2006, 19:39:34
these people need new friends...

Chris-ov-Donny
04-07-2006, 23:53:49
lol theyre all gud

Chris-ov-Donny
04-08-2006, 00:15:41
lol there all funny

OneBun
04-08-2006, 22:58:08
Here is what happens to those who mess with bunny Rabbits like OneBun:

http://kr.kids.yahoo.com/eng/ani_main/ani_11/index.html

rosiemay05
04-10-2006, 20:49:46
funny clip click of a guy on a game-show!
i feel sorry for this guy but come on , everybody knows the answer that question you idiot! lol
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=16826

Jellybean
04-10-2006, 21:16:45
what a friggin idiot

rosiemay05
04-10-2006, 21:18:35
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=16809

Jellybean
04-10-2006, 21:26:52
lmao! omfg that was so funny!!!

OneBun
04-11-2006, 01:54:10
rosiemay05, both were just too funny. lol

Eternal Becky
04-11-2006, 17:05:43
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you

want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A

senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The

woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car

and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is

quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving

license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands

it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite
puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't

have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Eternal Becky
04-11-2006, 17:09:33
CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020


Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order..."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566,from which you are calling right now. And going by the info from your cellular operator, at present, you are in the vicinity of your home. So the order will be delivered to your home."
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash,Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic... "
Customer: "#$$^%&$@$%^"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

Chrissy1993
04-11-2006, 17:20:43
lol dats good

rosiemay05
04-11-2006, 21:15:29
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"

Jellybean
04-11-2006, 21:32:25
lmao! good 1 rosie!!!

Chrissy1993
04-11-2006, 21:34:04
dat iz well funnay

rosiemay05
04-11-2006, 21:45:31
toothpicks one's gotta hurt lol

Chrissy1993
04-11-2006, 21:48:20
please send som more i laughed so much i nearly pissed ma self

Jellybean
04-11-2006, 21:50:10
please send som more i laughed so much i nearly pissed ma self
you should try and find some too. ;)

Chrissy1993
04-11-2006, 21:51:13
im on da strange cosmos site
and it iz funny but not az funny az da tampax!

OneBun
04-12-2006, 08:29:07
When your knees buckle but your belt won't.

When your idea of a change of scenery
is looking to the right or left.

When your back goes out more than you do.

When you want to be nostalgic
and you can't remember anything.

When getting "a little action" means
you don't have to take a laxative.

A gorgeous babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.

Your joints are more accurate than the
National Weather Service.

People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are now safe with your friends because
they can't remember them either.

There are 2 signs of old age.
The 2nd is your loss of memory,
the 1st one I forget.

And finally, your favorite past time becomes playing....

Senior Party Games

Sag, You're it

Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Kick the bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over

Simon says something incoherent

Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

Musical recliners

20 questions shouted into your good ear.

Jellybean
04-12-2006, 17:34:23
Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38

inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by,

you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each

year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,

you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy ",
you
might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might
live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head
Cheese,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time ,

you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett, "

you might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc ,
you
might live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear ,

and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters",....you might
live
in Wisconsin.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the
Highway.

2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching .

8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings
and funerals ) .

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend
knows
how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet
Farm
at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.

15. You refer to the Packers as "we."

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.

17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.

20. You know how to polka.

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

23. Down South to you means Illinois.

24. A brat is something you eat.

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

26. You go out to fish fry every Friday

27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."

OneBun
04-12-2006, 17:59:05
Jellybean, That reminds me of the "Great Lake Effect" days of living in upstate NY... same thing except stinking Bills fans instead of cheese heads! lol

rosiemay05
04-13-2006, 16:18:00
here's one for the oldies he he he lol

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/content/a55hat.aspx?cid=1753

rosiemay05
04-13-2006, 16:20:17
so the question to ask yourself is: does it all hang low? lmao
i haven't been able to get that tune out of my head for days! lol

Eternal Becky
04-13-2006, 17:35:30
A man walks past a beggar every week and gives him $ 10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $ 7. 50.
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $ 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me $ 10 every week, then $ 7,50 and now only $ 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "Last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Eternal Becky
04-13-2006, 17:55:49
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after a while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...



"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

Chrissy1993
04-13-2006, 18:16:16
i heard dat joke b4 but it iz really funny

OneBun
04-15-2006, 07:44:50
Funny Easter Bunny Cartoons

Yasmine1993
04-15-2006, 08:16:53
dats well funni

Chrissy1993
04-15-2006, 10:45:57
nice jokes onebun please send sum more in thx

Chrissy1993

holy lol
04-15-2006, 11:26:21
haha @ lady egg gossip, haha, what a tramp :D

Cyber Girl
04-24-2006, 10:53:06
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!

Chrissy1993
04-24-2006, 16:31:51
dats funny lol

rosiemay05
04-24-2006, 19:23:12
lol thats great lol!

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Mistery
04-24-2006, 19:29:00
Oh, no! That one is also good :-)

rosiemay05
04-24-2006, 19:31:38
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.



Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a dump!"

Mistery
04-25-2006, 15:56:38
:daz: Try to escape!

http://www.priesty.net/escape.html

Cyber Girl
04-25-2006, 16:08:35
hahahhahah like it someones got a sense of humour.

Hollandgirl
04-25-2006, 18:34:24
hahaha that's really funny!!! well it actually ?s true, i mean, what idiot would lie thousands of clues and a key or something around the place when he doesn't want you to get out!!

OneBun
04-25-2006, 22:18:14
:daz: Try to escape!

http://www.priesty.net/escape.html

Godd one! lol

fraggle
04-25-2006, 22:32:52
A man goes to the zoo.

When he gets there, there was only a dog...

It was a shitzu.

rosiemay05
04-28-2006, 20:15:44
funny joke fraggle , short and to the point lol


:daz: Try to escape!

http://www.priesty.net/escape.html

i tried to kick the damn door down! lol, it is annoying sometimes, to find clues when the obvious thing is to break down the door lol

Cyber Girl
05-03-2006, 14:46:23
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said 50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Chris-ov-Donny
05-06-2006, 22:30:14
lol gud 1

OneBun
05-09-2006, 17:39:44
...if ever pulled over.

swineflesh
05-10-2006, 11:09:44
you know your a red neck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it

OneBun
05-12-2006, 18:28:17
Just a bit patronizing:

Jess
05-18-2006, 17:58:05
Hehe

Eternal Becky
05-18-2006, 19:43:28
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why doesnt glue stick to its bottle?

Why do you still call it building when its already built?

Its true that we are here to help others,what are others here for?

If you arent supposed to drink and drive why do bars have parking lots?

Jess
05-18-2006, 19:51:17
Haha, good questions

Mistery
05-18-2006, 19:56:41
That's really funny http://www.websmileys.com/sm/happy/1204.gif

Jess
05-18-2006, 19:58:59
Anybody hate grocery shopping?

Here's is a way to make the wretched experience better:
Call the grocery store "The Happy Place of the Prancing Ponies"

Jellybean
05-31-2006, 18:20:48
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with
rugged
and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends
to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple
and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Hollandgirl
06-01-2006, 11:51:57
Well, I can't agree more with that study!! btw jellybean, i really like your avater, it's sooo cute !! you've got some really great pics lately!!

Jellybean
06-01-2006, 14:31:24
yeah, i got bored with just one avatar so i change them every couple days :D

Hollandgirl
06-01-2006, 14:32:22
great idea, i might as well try to do that ;)

Jellybean
06-26-2006, 14:27:12
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
And point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If
They Want Fries with That.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
Tropical sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We
Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Hollandgirl
06-26-2006, 14:42:35
hahahaahahaa they're sooo funnyy!!! :P:P i'm gonna do number 3 !! i love it :D

Jess
06-26-2006, 23:48:25
lol, lol, lol, lol, lol!!!!!!

1. Put big red round dots all over your self and tell everyone that you broke out with a new disease called exphildeniabitranasinea (or whatever combination of letters and numbers you come up with).

2. Say that last night a guy that was painted bright red with neon orange spots come into your room and talked to you while he stole your homework.

3. When your alarm ring shoot it and when your late say that you were fighting with raging beasts.

4. That due to an allergy to teachers, it is unhealthy for you to attend school until you are 30.

5. That you are due to die tomorrow and what to spend the last day of your life in perfect happiness

6. Every time your Mom calls you down to get ready respond with shouts, moans and groans of pain

7. Break out in hysterical laughter sing "I Love to Laugh" with all your might.

8. Steall all the sheets in the house, tie them together and use them to escape out your window, leaving a note on your bed that says "Unfortunately, due to absence, I will be unable to attend school. Please do not send out search parties I'll be home for summer break."

9. Claim that since you went to school last year, it is time for a break.

10. Stare at every one and do nothing

Cyber Girl
06-27-2006, 14:40:57
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME."

Hollandgirl
06-27-2006, 18:17:49
hahahahaaa that's a funny one :P

Sarah1210
07-04-2006, 09:08:35
MasterCard Wedding -- You gotta love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had got suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, '<<deleted>> you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, <<deleted>> you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................................$32,00 0.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
affair............................................ .................$3,00
0
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in <st1:place>Maui</st1:place>.............................................
.....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard.

Jimmy
08-04-2006, 17:58:10
wots green and goes backwards???

*BIG SNIFF*

Darknight
08-25-2006, 19:22:35
Why did piglet go down the toilet?
...
...
...
...
To find pooh!

doglover
08-25-2006, 19:32:24
Haha...lol

Darknight
08-25-2006, 20:19:37
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?
...
...
...
...
...
...
LETS RIDE BIKES!!

Darknight
08-26-2006, 17:41:44
two men walk in to a bar which is funny because when the first guy hit it the secind guy should have seen it.

wirodeu
08-26-2006, 19:48:03
Lol!

Darknight
09-09-2006, 21:14:50
Where would you go if your going to die?
...
...
...
...
...
The Living Room
...
...
...
...
..What would you eat?
...
...
...
...
...
Life Savers.

doglover
09-09-2006, 21:15:19
Loool

Lilliputt
09-09-2006, 21:16:12
He, he! Good one... ;)

Maniac
09-10-2006, 15:58:07
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Here?s some quick and easy yet funny stuff you can do while in Wal-Mart, Burger King, or a movie theater.

1- Get a semi real looking baby doll. Go to Wal Mart or some store and take some ketchup and squirt it on the floor. Rub the ketcup around with the bottom of your shoe or a napkin or some ****. Put some ketchup on the doll?s head. Put the baby in the puddle of blood looking ketchup. Listen for people?s screams of horror.

2- Go to a movie theater concessions stand. Order a bunch of items (Nachos, Hot Dogs, Large Popcorn combos, expensive ****). Since movie theaters generally have huge lines to their concession stands they have a person on register and two or three people getting the items for them. Theyll usually have all of your items on the counter ready to go right when youre ready to pay. Once all of your items are present on the counter ask what your total is. After theyve told you say something completely random about how you dont want to pay for it - "I?d love to pay for this stuff but I have A.I.D.S." Imagine how pissed theyll be when they have $45 worth of shitty food on their counter that someone isnt going to pay for.

3- At restauraunts go and sit with random people and interrupt their conversations that theyre having amongst themselves. After ten minutes mention to them how nice it would be if they would pay for your meal.

4- Go to a Burger King or other fast food restaraunt and stand in line with people. Casually mention to someone that you had alot of fun taking a **** on the grill the last day you worked there.

5- Go to a grocery store and collect a cart full of items. Go to a check stand and let the check stand woman ring all your **** up. Once she tells you your total tell her you need to run and get another item. Dont go back in line and watch other customers complain about how they have to wait in line for 20 minutes for someone else to come back.

6- Sing a Barry Manilow song to a random old woman.

Hollandgirl
09-19-2006, 17:32:12
That's really annoying stuff, especially 5!! :P

wirodeu
09-19-2006, 17:48:43
Yeah 5 and 2 are Pretty annoying!

Maniac
09-19-2006, 17:53:37
i did 1,3,4 of them.

wirodeu
09-19-2006, 17:56:16
Really!?? Cool!

Maniac
09-19-2006, 17:56:43
yea?yea...

Stickman220
09-30-2006, 07:22:54
the most simple games on the planet:

click/dont click: http://psycho-ward.org/games/rideasy/clickdont.shtml

number three: http://psycho-ward.org/games/rideasy/num3.shtml

ball and box: http://psycho-ward.org/games/rideasy/ballandbox.html

true or false: http://psycho-ward.org/games/rideasy/truefalse.shtml

the right choice: http://psycho-ward.org/games/rideasy/right.shtml

easy enough?

(i am sorry if people cant post these kind of things)

Mistery
09-30-2006, 10:20:19
Well, it's more jokes than really games, not sure where this thread should be put.

bige92
10-05-2006, 16:06:26
so a man was driving in his van in the woods & he hears a sound so he gets out & sees a dead heir ( < bunny like thing ) so he puts it on his van & crys tht a women sees him & stops. & she asks wat is wrong he says i killed this heir here & she sad to, tht she says wait! i've got somthing here in the boot of my car. so she gets out a spray & puts it on the heir & it gets up & waves & walks down the road a bit & waves & again & again... so the man asks wat does tht say on tht tin & she says ''hair restorer birings back dead hair. but it turns out a bit wavy! ''
:D :lol:

Stickman220
10-08-2006, 08:52:46
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

doglover
10-08-2006, 08:56:36
:haha: ROFL!!!!!!

Stickman220
10-08-2006, 09:01:33
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

doglover
10-08-2006, 09:03:58
:haha: FUNNY!!! ROFL!!!

Stickman220
10-08-2006, 09:05:18
ill tell u that i get all of my jokes frm here:
http://www.2flashgames.com/jokes.htm

Maniac
10-08-2006, 09:06:59
put this in the links thread man.

Hollandgirl
10-08-2006, 11:48:51
hahahaha veerry funny!

Maniac
10-08-2006, 12:10:42
u sounded sarcastic^^^.

Hollandgirl
10-08-2006, 12:12:43
lol! i didn't mean in sarcastic though :P

bige92
10-08-2006, 15:59:32
Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
.........lol

dazedncrazed
10-09-2006, 00:57:36
:haha: I've seen that before, very funny though!

Vault
10-09-2006, 02:03:15
Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
$$$$$$$$$
Love, $
Your $on.$
$$$$$$$$$

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

dazedncrazed
10-09-2006, 02:04:56
ROFL laughing, that is sooo funny!! It sounds like the kinda thing I would send while I was at university, and also the kind of reply I would get.

Darknight
10-10-2006, 14:45:06
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Stickman220
10-19-2006, 08:13:07
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man" "Well I'll be darned" the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. "I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

EscapeGirl
10-19-2006, 20:13:02
Good one, Stickman!! ROFL!!! :haha:

Stickman220
10-21-2006, 00:54:43
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Mistery
10-21-2006, 01:01:59
OMG!!! :haha:

bread
10-21-2006, 01:33:17
stickmans jokes are cool :D

Stickman220
10-21-2006, 10:32:18
thx bread

Finally an answer to the question..

Once upon a time all dogs were invited to a party. When they arrived at the party they were required to leave their butts at the door. All the dogs hung them on hooks by the door.

The party went on and the dogs were having a great time. All of a sudden a fire broke out. The dogs raced to the door and grabbed whichever butt they could grab first.

In an effort to find their own butt. That is why, to this very day, dogs sniff each other's butts!!!!
==============================================
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

EscapeGirl
10-22-2006, 09:57:48
I don't know where you get these things, but they are very funny!!! :haha:

Stickman220
10-22-2006, 10:00:07
escape check post 169 there is a link there

EscapeGirl
10-22-2006, 10:05:05
Ah...ok....thanks!! :D

Maniac
10-22-2006, 18:14:48
so one day,i was going and then,it started raining, so i took out my umbrella..

Eternal Becky
10-29-2006, 23:24:53
the most simple games on the planet:

Stickman, I have merged your Easy Games thread with the Jokes Thread as the links you gave we not real games :)

clickclick
10-30-2006, 05:38:49
Mmm guess my second joke was inappropiate aswell, seen a few other jokes (genitals and such included) here that are really inappropiate but he that's okay if you didn't notice them.
Mine was just about spelling haha.

Just in case ...I deleted my last joke.

lili
11-01-2006, 12:16:58
clickclick, Nooo:( I've missed your jokes!!:sad: Do you think of any others??

Maniac
11-02-2006, 18:52:50
A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43, and 509.

Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"

"We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the jokes."

Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it
================================================
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

One millionth of a mouthwash: One microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: One bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: One billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: One lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: One Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: One semicolon

1000 aches: One kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: One hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: One pound cake

One million microphones: One megaphone

One million bicycles: Two megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)

10 cards: One decacards

One kilogram of falling figs: One Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: One literhosen

One millionth of a fish: One microfiche

One trillion pins: One terrapin

10 rations: One decoration

100 rations: One C-ration

Two monograms: One diagram

Eight nickels: Two paradigms

Three statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League
==================================================
Homework Excuses
Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
It is here it's just in invisible ink!
Satan told me not to do it!
I'm at school?!?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
My dad's pen ran out of ink.
My Mom ate my homework!

Hollandgirl
11-02-2006, 19:07:07
Haha good ones Maniac!

Maniac
11-02-2006, 19:12:03
lol thanks.....

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"



God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
================================================== ====
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
================================================== =====
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
- Oscar Wilde
Synonym: the word you use when you can't spell the right word, and therefore can't find it in the dictionary.
Law of Computer Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never let anything mechanical know you're in a hurry.
God even created Atheists.
Conscience: the only thing that hurts when everything else feels good.
If what you want is what you need, there is probably something wrong with your standards.
It is always brave to say what everyone is thinking.
Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
A person always has two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason and the real reason.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
If you explain so clearly, so that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called to
act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
- Oscar Wilde
Being in debt is one way of proving you can have less than nothing.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it is very funny
-- did you ever try getting them without money? - Ogden Nash
Music is the only language in which you can't say a mean or sarcastic thing.
Who says I'm paranoid? Why do they want to know?
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean you aren't being followed.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing better to do.
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there is nothing to compare it with.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
If it is a miracle, any sort of evidence will answer. If it is a fact, proof is necessary.
To escape criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
- Elbert Hubbard
Remember, when you point a finger, three fingers are pointing at you.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Freedom defined is freedom denied.
Why not?
We are never deceived, we deceive ourselves.
- Johann von Goethe
It is generally agreed that "hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "goodbye" it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp
Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.
- Paul Sondreal
When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.
Why did the Bellatrixian Sub-Mega chicken cross the hyperspacial bypass?
Who cares?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Put on your seatbelt....I wanna try something.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Vacuums are nothing. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
When planets run around and around in circles we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do you need a license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under seats in airplanes rather than parachutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 never closes, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle travelling at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why is it that when you transport something in a car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something in a ship it is called cargo?
You know that indestructible little black box they use on planes,
why don't the make the plane out of the same substance?
If you are walking on thin ice, you might as well dance.
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately. Very abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
I went to a general store but they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
- Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that sells "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
- Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and......oooohhhh, that's much better!
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles Schultz
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness? as the new industry standard.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny!
I got a dog and named it "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
- Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
- Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

mister mr
12-05-2006, 19:45:35
a man walks into a bar- ouch!
doctor doctor, i think im turining nto a spy! ok, but where are you?
I was having a non school uniform day at school and it started raining. why it started raning? because i was wearing a summer shirt!

Jess
12-06-2006, 14:52:03
NO all off his jokes i am rofling really badly

Maniac
12-07-2006, 07:16:50
lol,thanks.

Jess
12-07-2006, 14:43:47
Your welcome the one about the dog was the best, but I was supposed to be doing school so when i started rofling...

OneBun
12-09-2006, 02:09:07
Her's one for the holidays (from a REAL psycho :crazy: ):

GTgirl
01-04-2007, 22:38:07
I got one made by my friend Grace.

There was this boy who had trouble with Question 3 in his homework. He decides to ask his mother to help him. "What is the answer to Question 3?"he asks. "Go away!" was the reply. Then he goes to his brother and asks the same question. He replies, "Yes, yes yes!" Then he goes and asks his sister. She was on the potty. The boy asks the smae question. His Sister replied, "Toilet paper, toilet paper!" And then he goes to his little brother and he asks the same question. "Batman!" his Brother replied. Then he goes to his little sister and asks the question. "Hello Kitty!" She replied. The boy went to his grandfather and asks the same question. His Grandfather said, "74! Hit them hard!" So he decides to jot it all down.

The next morning, he was asked to say the answer to Question 3. "Go away!" he said. "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" His teacher asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" he said. Then he got sent to the principal's office. "Do you know waht the school is made of?" The principal asked. "Toilet paper, toilet paper!" he replied. "Do you know who you are?" "Batman!" "Do you know who I am?" "Hello Kitty!" "Do you want spankings?" "74, hit them hard!

The End

Eternal Becky
01-24-2007, 11:04:50
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

EscapeGirl
02-12-2007, 01:25:46
LOL!! I like that Wolfie....Makes me want to try it with my boss! :haha:

Now here's one from somebunny in my family...;) (Sort of...;))

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I killed a mouse and dropped it at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe ....

... for now...

:haha:

Hitman
02-13-2007, 19:12:04
Jokes? hmmmm oh wait a minute, I got one, I got one....
---------------------
Once upon a time there were 3 old ladies (Hilda,Sylvia and Norma) and they suffered from an old unknow syndrom that made them forget everything
so...one day Hilda and Sylvia decided to visit Norma...
They finaly got there and started chatting...in the middle of the conversation Norma got up and boiled coffe for them,they drank it and continued chatting...but Norma forgot she made coffee and served them again with coffe...Finaly it was late and Hilda and Sylvia decided it was time to go...
On the way home they started talking:

Hilda: How rude of her! She didn't serve us coffee...
Sylvia: Huh...What do you mean?... We were somewhere?!

LOL

Heartofthedark
02-14-2007, 05:33:05
okay i got one
---------------------------------
One day bob walked outside and looked in his mailbox his neighbour is outside washing his car he looks over and sees that bob has an angry look on his face he slammed his mailbox and stomped back inside
2 minutes later bob walks outside and looks in his mailbox he slams it shut again and stomps back inside
1 minute later bob walks ouside and looks in his mailbox again he slams it shut once more and stomps back inside
3 minutes later he stomps back outside with a look of rage on his face he looks in his mail box and slams it shut and has a fit his neighbour goes over to him and asks whats wrong bob replies "i think my computer is broken it keeps telling me i have mail!"

Darknight
04-18-2007, 15:39:13
heres a short one

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

bige92
05-11-2007, 17:46:23
here is a funny 1 :P


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
:haha:

Fraggle returns
05-18-2007, 11:48:49
Shakespear walks into a bar and the bartender says "get out ya bard"
:P

invincible
05-18-2007, 17:20:24
i have got one :D
---------------------------------------------

there was this boy who was in a class and the teacher said "what are the first 4 letters of the alphabet" he replied "i dont know miss" and the teacher said "well you best learn them by tommorow."
so he went home and asked his sister "what is the first letter of the alphabet?" "shut up" she said and so he went downstairs and his dad was playing darts and the boy said "what is the second letter of the alphabet?"
"180" and so he went to his mom and she was watching telly and he said "whats the third letter of the alphabet?" "lalalalalalalalalalalala" and so he went up stairs to his little brother and said "what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" "in my little mini car"
so the boy went to school the next day and the teacher said "whats the first letter of the alphabet?" "shut up" "how many detensions do you want?" "180" "go to the-" "lalalalalalalalalalalala" "how you gunna get yourseelf out of this one then" "in my little mini car in my little mini car

__scar-me__
05-19-2007, 03:53:52
I saw a snail driving a car with an "S" painted on the side of it.. All I could think of is "Wow, look at that S-car go!"

OneBun
06-13-2007, 20:17:38
LOL I just found this one...

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is looney:
**************************************************

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart
than most.

... :haha:

cheryl21
06-20-2007, 16:09:55
<<deleted>>

Just A Wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
================================================== ======
Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lots a hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
================================================== =======

fishyfishy
06-20-2007, 19:42:21
A man walks in to a pub, slides on some poo and hits his head on the bar stool then orders a larger, then another man walks in to the pub slides on some poo and hits his head on the bar stool then orders a larger, then the first man says 'i just did that' and the second man hits him in the face.

cheryl21
06-21-2007, 12:11:48
<<You Have Already Posted These Jokes In Your Previous Post, However They Were Deleted By Moderation Due To Content That Doesn't Follow Our Rules. Please Do Not Post Them Again, And Make Sure That Your Post Content Follows Our Rules. Thanks. ~ Mistery>>

cheryl21
06-21-2007, 12:57:20
My appologies Mistery I did not realize. I will read up more on the rules

zillah0625
06-24-2007, 15:56:39
lol..I can't stop laughing!!!!:D:D

sarathy
06-25-2007, 14:58:02
CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch hiney should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Ha ha these proverbs actually make a lot of sense.

Jcatzl101
06-26-2007, 14:21:37
that was funny!

sarathy
06-28-2007, 06:56:34
Seeing as i love to laugh (it really is the best medicine!), i thought we could use a joke section on Gamershood. So please post anything you think will make everyone laugh! :goss: :hah: Whether it's a rude joke, knock knock, anything! :P
Ok i got one....

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he says to her:
'Just so you know , I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug.'
His wife nods understandingly , then promptly gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

Ha ha ha. That was a good one.

Themolestarted
07-07-2007, 07:39:10
Q. why did the chicken cross the road
A. Screeeeecccchhhhh SPLAT We shall never know
Wait OI got another one a chineise bin man goes to a house and cant find the wheely bins so he knocks on the door and says wheres ya bins the man says I've been making a sandwith and the the bin man says no, wheres ya whelly bins the man says I told you I'm making a sandwich. Then the bin man says no wheres ya wheely bins and the man says well realy I've just been on the loo. :wc:
Sorry I know it was rude I keep forgeting not to be rude here
Il try to remember not to do it again
I'll post a good clean joke
knock knock
whos there
amanda
amanda who
amandatwantstocomeinnow

Brimful-Asha
07-12-2007, 21:07:04
Heres My Contribution :D

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"heck it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Mcakkay
08-28-2007, 03:58:18
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!

ravenclawrulez
09-09-2007, 09:12:44
OK, here's my joke, hope you like it.

An old couple moved into a new town. They kept forgetting things, so they went to the local doctor.
"Doctor, we keep forgetting things." say the old couple.
"Well," replied the doctor, "okay. I have an idea. Maybe you could write things down so you can remember."
"Thanks Doctor!"
So they carried on doing this, as it worked.
Then, one day, the old wife says to the old man, "Can you make me some ice-cream?"
And the old man replies, "Yes."
"Vanilla, with some chocolate topping?"
"Yes."
"And a cherry on top?"
"YES!"
"Don't you think you should write it down?" asks the old woman.
"No, I can remember it."
"Okay, fine by me."
After a while, the old man comes back with a plate of scrambled eggs.
"Here you go."
But the old woman says, "Where's my toast?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's one of my favourites.
Well, hope you like it.

gh1
01-20-2008, 21:05:10
10 Things not 2 say on your anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Jones
03-27-2008, 18:57:52
Say to someone, "There are only ten kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary code, and those who don't." (For those who don't know: 10 is 2 in binary code)

maureen.clayton
03-29-2008, 12:00:54
hehe this was a vid i seen

the Jones family was forgetful

little Johnny was on his playstation and his friends came over "want to play?" "yes" johnny said but he left the door open the tv and play station got robbed isnt he forgetful

mrs. Jones was running a bath when he soap oprea came on and the bath over flowed ist she forgetful

mr. jones was cooking dinner while his footy came on he ran off and the house set on fire isnt he forgetful

so they when on a trip in the car and "forgot" to put on seatbelts! CRASSHHHH they was bleeding awfully and a man said "aint they forgetful" lol

RBS
03-29-2008, 14:24:08
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

:haha:

old biker
03-30-2008, 19:31:08
a couple just married .first morning after the weddingnight the guy brings in the morning a plate with toast ,fresh orangejuice ,coffee ,jam ,cheese etc and a newspaper to his wife .the wife gets up in bed and he places the plate on her lap.she looks at him and give him a "very in love " look.
so the guy says ,you see this ?
well ...this is what i want you to bring me,every morning from now on

RBS
04-22-2008, 21:07:00
Who is the one naming hurricanes?

They somehow manage to give them the least threatening names ever.

If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take her."

If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Headsmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the house, shove it in my pockets, and get the heck out of there.

EscapeGirl
04-22-2008, 21:52:32
:rofl-smilie: So true and funny! :haha:

humphryboop
04-22-2008, 21:56:20
Sameeeeeeeeeee

Jones
04-23-2008, 23:53:57
:( Hurricane Wilma didn't sound very threatening; it knocked our power out for 17 days.:P
It's true though. Most of those names don't sound like they'll be causing you harm.;)

RBS
05-11-2008, 00:59:28
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive - Steven Wright

humphryboop
05-11-2008, 17:01:59
xD that is funny

RBS
06-06-2008, 14:17:40
Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3

New1000
06-06-2008, 14:55:17
I got 2:
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher goes "Spit out that gum!" and a train goes "chew, chew, chew."
and
Three tourists were driving along the highway, trying to get to Disneyland. they saw a sign that read "Disneyland Left", so they all went home!

SimplyCrazy
06-17-2008, 13:56:50
I really think this is incredibly funny, even if it's not entirely true :P
(It's not far from *xD*


+15°C / 59°F

This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we’ll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.


+10°C / 50°F

The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.


+5°C / 41°F

Italian cars won’t start.
The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.


0°C / 32°F

Distilled water freezes.
The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.


-5°C / 23°F

People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norwegians have their final barbeque before winter.


-10°C / 14°F

The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norwegians start using long sleeves.


-20°C / -4°F

The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here.


-30°C / -22°F

People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.


-40°C / -40°F

Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.


-50°C / -58°F

Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.


-70°C / -94°F

The false Santa moves south.
The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.


-183°C / -297.4°F

Microbes in food don’t survive.
The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers’ hands are cold.


-273°C / -459.4°F

ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it’s cold outside today."

funja
06-28-2008, 05:38:28
10 random things i thought up at two in the morning


1.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered

2.Why does a round pizza come in a square box

3.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp

4.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid, DIPPY song about him

5.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from

6.

Does the
Alphabet song
and
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
7.
Why ON EARTH did you just try singing OR HUMMING the two songs above?

8.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window

9.If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

10.If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a SMALL hole in a boat

New1000
07-05-2008, 18:24:24
I made this:
9547
9548

Jones
07-31-2008, 05:50:09
Do you know what they say?

funja
07-31-2008, 05:52:08
no what

Strongbull
07-31-2008, 05:52:31
I got two
A guy walks in to a bar and asks for a drink, another guy walks in to a bar and says ouch.

Why did the duck hate his mail?
it was all BILL'S
what do ducks name they'r sons Bill

Jones
07-31-2008, 05:53:27
no what

All toasters TOAST TOAST!!! :P

funja
07-31-2008, 05:54:47
no they dont all toaster toast bread and make toast:rofl-smilie:

Strongbull
07-31-2008, 05:55:47
Yah but that would be BOOOOORING *rolls eyes*

Jones
07-31-2008, 05:56:57
Mah boi!!! There's nothing more cool than being hugged by someone ya like!

EscapeGirl
05-31-2009, 08:42:00
This is just too funny... Be sure to do what it says at the bottom once you've read it through the first time. You'll laugh.

Letter of Recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot w! as reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

Clank
05-31-2009, 08:53:06
:haha: :rofl-smilie:
Thats so clever :haha: I didnt realise until it told me what to do :haha:

Lausco
06-01-2009, 12:38:47
:rofl-smilie:That is so funny!:rofl-smilie:

ell
07-06-2009, 02:17:09
what dose a fat guy do whin hes fat hes looseing wat

gh1
07-07-2009, 18:47:04
what or weight? lol

old biker
07-07-2009, 19:43:20
Two friends at the bar are having a beer and talking about stuff and one of them has a red cap on his head. a man comes in the bar and asks for a beer ,and says "give the guy with the red cap a beer too"
the man finishes his beer and asks for another one "and give the guy with the cap one more too"
so the friend says to the red cap guy ,give me that cap so i ll have a free beer too next time.
so the man finishes his beer and asks for another one and shout.. ooh WTH
give everybody one exept for the red cap ,he had already two

SteelersFreak
07-08-2009, 05:24:50
10 random things i thought up at two in the morning


1.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered

2.Why does a round pizza come in a square box

3.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp

4.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid, DIPPY song about him

5.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from

6.

Does the
Alphabet song
and
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
7.
Why ON EARTH did you just try singing OR HUMMING the two songs above?

8.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window

9.If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

10.If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a SMALL hole in a boat

i got another one. and you didnt think of these. they are from an email that people are sending around. but heres another.

did you ever notice that people pay to go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in a telescope to look down at the ground

funja
07-08-2009, 05:53:53
i know i copied it from a webpage didnt write any of it i guess i copied everthing except the guys name dont knwo what site i got this off of just to clear that up i didnt make these up just copied and pasted from a webpage

lol i need to use punctuation lol thats hard for even me to read lol

RBS
07-20-2009, 21:48:32
Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips.

There are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than casinos.

Worshippers regularly put casino chips in when the basket is passed.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

That work is done by the chip monks.

leapfrog
07-21-2009, 01:14:55
Haha RBS, made me smile.

Lausco
07-21-2009, 11:16:40
:rofl-smilie: So funny! The best joke I have heard in ages :haha:

PatrickStar
07-25-2009, 17:53:57
Here in this thread put jokes.

they can be funny, old, or just plain cheezy ohh and nothing dirty

ill start
what time is it when an elaphant sits on your fence
time to get a new fence

robollama
07-25-2009, 18:36:07
Here in this thread put jokes.

they can be funny, old, or just plain cheezy ohh and nothing dirty

ill start
what time is it when an elaphant sits on your fence
time to get a new fence

loool:smile:

Mcakkay
07-27-2009, 03:08:39
how do you get an elephant in the fridge?
open the door, put him in, close the door

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

All the animals are at a gathering by a big pond. Which animal isn't there?
the giraffe, he is still in the fridge:)

Mistery
07-27-2009, 03:10:32
Lol :haha:

RBS
08-04-2009, 18:47:38
Q: Did you hear the big bad wolf got arrested.

A: Yeah, one of the pigs squealed.

That joke seemed worthy of my 10,000 post.

Hitman
08-04-2009, 22:53:40
I know it's not the right place but congrats on your 10,000th post! :poze:

1234567
08-25-2009, 00:22:17
My funny thing isn't exactly a joke, but the other day i saw a lady sunbathing in the central strip of grass in the school parking lot

gh1
08-25-2009, 00:34:07
lol what was she doing there? out of nowhere???

1234567
08-25-2009, 00:35:03
yea out of nowhere it cracked me up
:D

RBS
10-19-2009, 00:55:37
http://terrisfp.com/hallo1/ghost1.swf

RBS
11-06-2009, 15:47:44
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc77/gummbypal/dst.jpg

old biker
11-06-2009, 23:55:15
LOL so true ...

EscapeGirl
11-07-2009, 03:04:47
LOL, RBS! :haha:

tipper75
11-07-2009, 03:13:30
RBS, that is all so true.

jack
11-07-2009, 03:36:43
I think I am going to make that my desktop picture. Nice one RBS.

RBS
11-07-2009, 06:23:06
absolute no credit to me. I wish I could have met that antecessor.

RBS
04-17-2010, 00:03:46
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers".

One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Dilly, Texas , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person right proud to be a Texan , don't it?

Adventure
04-18-2010, 21:24:00
Lol, I like that joke. :haha: Thanks for sharing RBS. :D

EscapeGirl
04-19-2010, 17:35:40
That's a good one, RBS.

RBS
06-02-2010, 15:54:33
Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it,the silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted, however since then, to the relief of the maintenance man, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

EscapeGirl
06-02-2010, 18:16:20
Ewww!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOL! :rofl-smilie:

Mistery
06-02-2010, 19:06:44
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers".

One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Dilly, Texas , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person right proud to be a Texan , don't it?

ROOOOOOOOFL, I missed this one earlier :rofl-smilie:


Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it,the silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted, however since then, to the relief of the maintenance man, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

Haha, good one :haha:

Yvonne
06-04-2010, 12:06:21
:rofl-smilie:
Sorry but I don't have any jokes but I like the ones I just read. :D

RBS
07-14-2010, 17:31:53
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english:

1. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

4. Went to bookstore and asked saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

6. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

7. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

9. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

10. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

11. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

12. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

RBS
08-10-2010, 22:40:48
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc77/gummbypal/blondemoment.gif

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAustin"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Mistery
08-12-2010, 00:59:13
Lol, just discovered the idiosyncrasies you posted :haha:

Hehe, she should have been told to use numbers, too :P :haha:

Mati
01-15-2011, 09:11:41
If you play Team Fortress 2, you'll get this one.
Q:Why did The Spy cross the road?
A:He never really was on your side.