View Full Version : Funny Quotes

10-15-2005, 12:04:40
Funny Quotes "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
-Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn''t worth the paper it''s written on.!
-Samuel Goldwyn

"I don''t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

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05-24-2006, 00:00:37
None of these are funny

05-24-2006, 08:42:23
Lol, so ironic and cute!

Here's some more:

"It depends on what the definition of is, is"
- Bill Clinton

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeners.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Anon.

Funny Newspaper Headlines :gaz:

17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree

Coach Fire - Passengers Safely Alight

Grandmother Of Eight Makes A Hole In One

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case

Eastern Head Seeks Arms

Failed Panda Mating - Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

President Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead

05-24-2006, 11:56:55
Good ones! :haha:

05-24-2006, 14:29:33

05-24-2006, 19:59:15
None of these are funny

For the above ones, those are funny, for Mysterious, you're not funny :P

07-29-2007, 09:37:11
eat my shorts!=bart simpson
Vernon: Questions?
Bender: Yeah, I've got a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr.Bender, next Saturday. Dont mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
Bender: That man is a brownie-hound.

Bender: How come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, IT'LL BE ANARCHY!

Vernon: Now thats it! I'm gonna be right outside those doors. Next time I have to come in here, I'm crackin' skulls.

Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?

Vernon: What if your home, what if your family, what if your dope was on fire?
Bender: Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson's underwear.
=all from the breakfast club!!!!!!!!!!! luv that movie!!!!!!!!!

08-01-2007, 19:58:24
Dang lazy miners, I died years ago and I still have to work.

But seriously:

"What a terrible waste it is to lose one's mind." - attributed to former American vice-president Dan Quayle in a speech to the United Negro College Fund, whose motto is, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

(I have no idea if he really said that or if it's just urban legend, but it's still funny.)

08-05-2007, 20:57:43
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

"Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! "

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. "

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. "

"It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird. "

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. "

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson

"You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!"

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

bleh found these on some random website :P

bold-ed my favorites

08-05-2007, 23:42:20
these are all soo funny :D :haha:

08-06-2007, 03:23:09
the bolded ones i like but the normal ones arent that funny to me... :S

08-20-2007, 10:14:35
Peter Kay is one of the funniest comedians in England... the following always cracks me up... mainly because they are so true!!

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

08-20-2007, 14:49:48

"When I was a kid in school, the career advisor came to see us and said, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?"

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon."

"I like my women like I like my coffee - In a cup"

"If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself!"

"You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym."

"Beekeepers, yes… They've gotta want to be – "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away""

"Danger" could be my middle name … but it's "John".

08-20-2007, 20:36:33
nice quotes :P

01-15-2008, 01:11:51
Awesome! xD i saw this in my astronamers magazine:
Man blows his leg off, sues himself! ***! can you imagine court!

01-15-2008, 01:13:21
*astronaut* not man :E

oh okay =D

01-15-2008, 01:28:56
"Every morning is the dawn of a new error" :P

point click man
01-15-2008, 02:48:05
funny qoutes

01-15-2008, 04:38:24
Joystick use the edit button instead of double posting ;)

01-23-2008, 07:27:10
Noo... I had found several, but the site logged me out and now they're gone! :frustrated: I'll just jot down the one's I can remember. I found these funny, but hey, it's late here.... ;) Btw, those news headlines are funny! :rofl-smilie:
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone."

"Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car." :haha:

"A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!"
-- Jay Leno

"The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window."
-- Robert Paul

10-30-2009, 00:47:31
Russel Peters is so funny!!


"Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy ****. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos*.Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We are selling it to the Indians".

"Our cheapness changed the world. Indians are so dedicated to being so cheap for so long, that Indian people actually created the number zero. You know how much dedication that took? That means, back in the day some Indian guy was looking at the numeric system. "*indian accent* 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.. Hmmm.. None of those are the amounts I want to pay". Then his friend came along and drew a circle. "Whats that?" "Nothing" "Whats inside of it?" "Nothing" "Whats its value?" "Nothing... Its beautiful (shedding a tear). We shall call it zero. Take it and go"

10-19-2012, 05:41:06
“The federal government is like a handicapped turtle trying to crawl around and keep up with the rabbit, which is technology.” ~James Breithaupt (I only post what I find lol :haha: )