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Thread: Jokes

  1. #11
    Ouch! A Spike! OneBun's Avatar
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    Default Psychology Humor:

    This one is hanging on my wall at work:

    "Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
    If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear."

  2. #12
    Veteran Cyber Girl's Avatar
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    I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles. One was
    already occupied so I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my
    trousers and sat down.

    Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me:

    "Hello mate, how you doing?"
    I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
    "Yeah, not too bad thanks."
    After a short pause, I heard the voice again
    "So, what you up to mate?"
    Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I
    replied
    "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"
    I then heard the voice for the third time .....
    "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some <<deleted>> in the
    loo next to me answering everything I say."
    Last edited by Mistery; 11-01-2006 at 12:23:36.

  3. #13
    Veteran rosiemay05's Avatar
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    lol psychology humour very funny,
    cyber girl i heard yours before but it never fails to make me laugh because it can happen to anyone of us lol, although i avoid using the phone when im on the loo lol
    Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol

  4. #14
    Veteran Cyber Girl's Avatar
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    >which Would U Choose? Cake Or Bed?????
    >
    >a Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
    >
    >"honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For
    >weeks Now"
    >
    >he Looks At Her And Says Angrily;
    >
    >"fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed
    >on My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"
    >
    >the Wife Asks,
    >
    >"well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right."
    >
    >to Which He Replied,
    >
    >"fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My
    >forehead? I Don't Think So."
    >
    >fine, She Says,
    >
    >"then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door, They're About To
    >break."
    >
    >"i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps", He Says.
    >"does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think
    >so. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! "
    >
    >so He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel
    >guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out.
    >as He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He
    >enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A
    >beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
    >
    >"honey", He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?"
    >
    >she Said,
    >
    >"well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man
    >asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs,
    >and All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."
    >
    >he Said,
    >
    >"so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?"
    >
    >she Replied,
    >
    >"hellooooo.......do You See Delia Smith Written On My Forehead? I Don't
    >think So!"

  5. #15
    Veteran rosiemay05's Avatar
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    good one lol
    Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol

  6. #16
    Ouch! A Spike! OneBun's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Cure for Depression:

    A cure for depression. At least it cures me of having a bad day when I watch this one!
    http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/wedgemaster_anim
    Okay, I know I'm on a Psychology run with the jokes here... I can't help it! It's my life!

  7. #17
    Veteran Cyber Girl's Avatar
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    hahahaha that was so funny onebun im laughing so much im gona fall of my chair, ouch to late hahahha.

    I'm Tired.Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on middle age , poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

    But I found out it ain't that.

    I'm tired because I am overworked.

    The population of this country is 51 million.

    21 million are retired,

    that leaves 30 million to do the work.

    There are 19 million at school,

    That leaves 11 million to do the work.

    2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government,

    That leaves 5 million to do the work.

    1 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

    3 million are employed by the County and Borough Councils leaving 1 million to do the work.

    There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in the prisons,

    Which leaves 2 people to do the work.

    You and me .

    And you're sitting on your arse reading this,

    No wonder I'm bloody tired.
    Last edited by OneBun; 03-25-2007 at 08:55:29. Reason: merged posts

  8. #18
    pitbull saviour Jellybean's Avatar
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    Friendship Between Women:

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
    she told her husband that she had slept over at a
    girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
    friends. None of them knew anything about it.

    now ....

    Friendship Between Men:

    A man didn't come home one night. The next day
    he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
    house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
    friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
    over, and two claimed that he was still there.

  9. #19
    SuperWolf Eternal Becky's Avatar
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    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )

    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

    14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

    NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
    Cℓĭck Here to pℓαγ "Tђє First Door"
    tђє мost cђαℓℓєηgĭηg oηℓĭηє qυєst.




    "We don't stop playing games because we grow old,
    we grow old because we stop playing games"

  10. #20
    pitbull saviour Jellybean's Avatar
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    Default

    lmao! good one, so true.

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