My book

[1momomo124]

this is MY book(it's a fan-fic book) all the writeing is my work but i am useing my idea from BBC's Doctor Who here is the first chapter the book is called New Begining.(P.S. i'm useing my real name here and critisem is acceptible)

“Pit pat pit pat” said her feet as she walked across the floor this girl was around 12 she has no idea what she is about to get herself into this night. All she is doing is visiting her mother that is in the hospital. She looks around for her mom’s number she finds it and goes in the brass sign says 33. The girl looks in and stares because of two reasons. One, this room is a room that has more then one bed for more then one patient; she has never seen one before! And secondly, because of her mom, she’s been all wired up. The girl (having always been emotional) can’t bear it so she sits on one of the other beds and start’s crying very silently. Suddenly the doors open and the girl stops crying and peers at the figure. She realizes it is not a nurse, doctor, and not even a night guard! It is a man with spiky hair and with a long blue coat that went down to his ankles. At least that’s what she thought she took her glasses off while she was crying. The man came over and the girl was able to see more detail. He had brown eyes that seemed to be filled with pity and question. “What’s wrong with you then?” he asked. The man had a little bit of an accent but the girl couldn’t put her finger on it. She pointed over at her mom. The man looked over and suddenly became very solemn and said, “is that your mom?” gulping hard the girl nodded. Very slowly he got up off the bed and went over to the occupied bed he bent down and seemed to be examining her. While he was doing this the girl thought she could feel someone watching her. She looked around no one was here except for the man, her mom, and herself of course. But before she could look around again just to be sure the man straightened up quickly and looked around. The girl could see the alarm in his eyes. He went to the door but before could even take a step out of the door the girl on the bed asked in a squeaky voice “what is your name?” The man looked back and said “I’m The Doctor what about you what is yours?” The girl thought for a moment about what she would say “my name is Maureen.” The Doctor smiled and said “Ok that’s what I’ll call you have a nice night Maureen.” Maureen smiled the first time in days. “Bye-bye Doctor!” but he was already gone by the time she said that.

[Justeazy]

Ooohhhh...
pretty good, like the story! Always been a fan of sci-fi/timetravel, (have a few theories myself, ) and if it follows the premice of Dr. Who, I'm sure I'll love it.!

"I'm the Doctor." Is basically the exact line from doctor who though, not sure if I like that too much...

Also, your formatting/sentencing is bad.

[1momomo124]

well this is my first book i ever made so it will proubly get better as i get older

[ShiningStar]

This is really good for a first start Momo!

[Justeazy]

(sorry, I can be a harsh critique, but I do like it)

So, when you gonna post more?

[1momomo124]

next one not my real last name by the way

Chapter 1

“How are you today Mr.Smith?” the nurse said. “Well I still have some pain but other then that I am feeling dandy!” Mr.John Smith of room 33 said. The nurse liked him because of his spiky hair and brown eyes. The door opened she turned and saw a girl about 13 or so and she glanced her way and started making her way towards Mrs.Mary Adams, the bed next to Mr. Smith’s, and then as if on queue Mr.Smith said “could you open the curtains for me?” the nurse not wanting to be mean or rude opened them and then left. But as she was opening them the girl looked over and almost shouted out in shock but stopped her self at once. She was with her family visiting her mother that has just gotten out of surgery her family consist of her dad, her mom, her two brothers, and her sister. All of them were sitting around her mom’s bed waiting for her to wake up. The girl went over to the man she met only yesterday. She heard her dad calling for her but she ignored him. When she got over to the bed she closed the curtains and she could see the gleam in his eyes, which was kinda cute she thought “no what am I thinking!” she thought. She smiled. “What are you doing here!” she asked. “I’m sick.” He said grinning. “Hmph you weren’t when I last saw you which was last night.” She said. “Now, now Maureen don’t be so mean!” he said and started the widest grin you have ever seen. “Ha ha you crack me up.” Maureen said with out any humor. “Well I do that to a lot of people.” He said. “Well since you’re here I need to ask you a lot of questions!” she said. The grin faded from his face “be here at 5:00 tonight and I will answer all your questions promise.” She thought and said one word “ok” then she pushed back the curtains and went back to rejoin her family. She didn’t know what event might happen that night.

[Frantic Freddie]

It's "bear" not "bare"