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Thread: Funny Quotes

  1. #1
    MarleeneJolleen
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    Default Funny Quotes

    Funny Quotes "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
    - Richard M. Nixon

    "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
    -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

    "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
    -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

    "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
    -Everett Dirksen

    "A verbal contract isn''t worth the paper it''s written on.!
    -Samuel Goldwyn

    "I don''t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
    - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

    "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
    -General William Westmoreland

    "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
    -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin


    |tdkm.info|roak.info|bbid.info|umsn.info

  2. #2
    mysterious
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    None of these are funny

  3. #3
    Advanced User amber's Avatar
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    Smile Quotes & Paper Headlines

    Lol, so ironic and cute!

    Here's some more:

    "It depends on what the definition of is, is"
    - Bill Clinton

    "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
    - Ellen DeGeners.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    - Anon.


    Funny Newspaper Headlines

    17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree

    Coach Fire - Passengers Safely Alight

    Grandmother Of Eight Makes A Hole In One

    Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

    Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

    Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case

    Eastern Head Seeks Arms

    Failed Panda Mating - Veterinarian Takes Over

    British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    President Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

    Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Miners Refuse To Work After Death

    Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

    Stolen Painting Found By Tree

    Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout

    War Dims Hope For Peace

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

    Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

    Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead
    The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit. - N. H.

  4. #4
    Ouch! A Spike! OneBun's Avatar
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    Good ones!
    Seeking Where My Alien & Mysterious Sis Has gone???
    Looney GHer!

  5. #5
    Veteran Jess's Avatar
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    Hillarious

    A Little Ferret Thief
    OLGM Lilliput, OLM Escapegirl, OLD Darknight and OLB George
    Member of GFARDTO and the Looney Bin
    OHOHOH!! Check it out:
    My city: http://taesana.myminicity.com/
    Pretty Please!!!!! Please, please, please!!! I'll even beg *gets on knees*

  6. #6
    Aspiring Author Freakshow59's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mysterious
    None of these are funny
    For the above ones, those are funny, for Mysterious, you're not funny
    I'm back, but for how long? Meeting someone from the past is just one of the great parts of life, isn't?

    I Don't Do Crazy, I Perfer Sanity Challenged

    I'm not like crazy people, I just hang out and act like them ^^

  7. #7
    pUnKr pUnKr's Avatar
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    eat my shorts!=bart simpson
    Vernon: Questions?
    Bender: Yeah, I've got a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
    Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr.Bender, next Saturday. Dont mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
    Bender: That man is a brownie-hound.

    Bender: How come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, IT'LL BE ANARCHY!

    Vernon: Now thats it! I'm gonna be right outside those doors. Next time I have to come in here, I'm crackin' skulls.

    Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?

    Vernon: What if your home, what if your family, what if your dope was on fire?
    Bender: Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson's underwear.
    =all from the breakfast club!!!!!!!!!!! luv that movie!!!!!!!!!
    i luv jared leto!!!!!1111
    i rock
    i luv ichy and scratchy
    stupid computer

  8. #8
    dork Bassoon's Avatar
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    Dang lazy miners, I died years ago and I still have to work.

    But seriously:

    "What a terrible waste it is to lose one's mind." - attributed to former American vice-president Dan Quayle in a speech to the United Negro College Fund, whose motto is, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

    (I have no idea if he really said that or if it's just urban legend, but it's still funny.)

  9. #9
    Veteran Heartofthedark's Avatar
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    "Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

    "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! "

    "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. "

    "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. "

    "It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird. "


    "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. "


    "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

    "Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson


    "You laugh because I'm different...........
    I laugh cause I just farted!"

    What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
    'Hold my purse.'


    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.


    What you call dog with no legs?
    Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

    Men are like bank accounts.
    Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

    Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

    Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

    Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

    When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room

    I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!


    Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.



    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


    bleh found these on some random website

    bold-ed my favorites

  10. #10

    Default

    these are all soo funny


    "Whoever said money can't buy happiness
    simply didn't know where to go shopping."



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